Love without complexities or pride

a leaf of the tree of our love

I find it interesting, that although we have been engaged for less than a week, the amount of questions that are asked by family and friends. I am by no means annoyed, just amused by it.

What’s the wedding date?

Pick a dress out yet?

Where do you want the wedding to be?

I am having a tough time answering them obviously. Who knows where we will even be after our farming adventure? I want us to try to be more frugal and thoughtful in our lives, why not start with the wedding.  Even my ring symbolizes this.  I picked my ring out, I never wanted a ring that would be flashy, but would be symbolic of a life I want to live with him. I also firmly believe that to spend so much money on a ring or a wedding in general, just seems wasteful. The average american spends $3,500 and $4,000 on an engagement ring (so says this). THEN let’s consider the average price on a wedding day: $24,066! This doesn’t even include the price of the honeymoon! AND THIS IS ALL FOR ONE DAY. Joe and I are not even close to be able to spend that much. Nor do I have any desire to. I’m sure I could do a very frugal wedding, but do I want to? Eloping doesn’t sound too bad now does it?

Either way, I just don’t want the day to get away from us and the celebration of the commitment to each other.

XVII (I do not love you…)      Pablo Neruda

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

There’s dirt in my soul. I think I’ll keep it there.

I would love to tell you about how the past few days have been exciting. I would love to show you pictures. But honestly I can’t tell you these things. What  I can tell you is that, taking pictures in order to put them into a blog or a social network kind of takes away from the real life moments. Perhaps thats what all technology does, kind of takes away the life aspect of things.

 

The truth is, I think my subconscious is fully aware of the mental task that is planned to take course in a month.  I’m soaking in time. I search the internet often. I’m reading the New Organic Farmer (fantastic and chock full of information that tends to overwhelm at times). I’m finding blogs. I’m exercising somewhat often.

 

These are the things I am interested in lately:

– Canning: I remember as a young girl canning with my grandmother, fresh berries picked from the garden and the churches garden. After she taught me how to make jam (which I unfortunately don’t remember) we made zucchini bread, which was perfect with our homemade jam. I miss her so much.

– Genetically modified food: One of the scariest things I see our country investing in. Not only does it deplete our soil of nutrients, but it also has shown cases to weaken the plant. With poor growing conditions, food prices will not only go up due to fuel but because of the way we have treated our soil. My generation has never had to worry about food, but with Monsanto out there, we may have to.

-Bees: I would love to take a class on beekeeping. Even if I don’t plan on having them in the next year or two, the knowledge would be priceless. Plus those noble little creatures are so interesting.

– Birds: What to go better with Bees than Birds? Our small bird feeder has been the community hub for the Birds this season and I love it. It’s fun to watch and guess (because I know little of the types) what breed of bird it is, while my dog is in my lap window hunting.

– Homesteading: We all have the idea of perfect living. Mine is to live frugally, to live off the land ( I know the stereotype, don’t remind me), to live with love with the future family I may have. To live off the land frugally is a way to be creative, thoughtful, and slow. We forget how nice slow can be. Purposeful. Meditative. Dynamic.

 

If only someday I could have acres with my cottage. Bread would be rising in the kitchen, a fire in the woodstove, chickens and goats in the barn, barefoot and pregnant (hahah the last part was a semi-joke).

 

I’m getting there I hope. One day at a time. New Mexico in a month (and one day).

 

I’m in the field, dirt under my nails. The wind is blowing across my face, my legs are aching. Clouds blow over the sky and peace sweeps over.

Good Things

It’s tough keeping up with a blog. After years of writing day to day, the past couple of years I find it harder to a.) have the motivation and b.) know what to say. Every day is changing.  In March, Joe and I will be leaving for a farm internship in NM. We are so excited, nervous, and antsy. We’ve started to make plans for things to see on the way down, as well as a packing list. Food to bring, clothes to bring, what is actually important and what is just want.  I haven’t told work yet. I plan on just giving the standard two week, I don’t want to give unnecessary cause for conflict. What a great adventure!

(Jemez Hot Springs- A place I’m dying to visit)

For the farm season, Joe and I plan on trying many new things. First, we are going to try to feed ourselves mainly locally, if that proves to be impossible, organic will be the supplementary choice.  Second, there will be no TV, although we will have one laptop to share. Third, no microwaving food. Tell me that’s not slow food! I want this to be a life changing experience, I want to slooooooow down. Enjoy to cook, or just be.  I can’t wait for the hard work and learning to begin.
We’ve been counting our blessings so far. My car needed some maintenance done, which I figured would be close to a grand in fees. Brakes, transmission fluid, oil change, tire rotation, and I had a loose belt that was squealing! Overall it was $131! I have a fantastic mechanic that always surprises me. He rotated my tires for free, told me my brakes were fine, just my tires were basically bald up front. Which makes sense, perhaps my worrying about brakes was just actually sliding on ice. I need new tires. Duh.
I also have a tax refund that is coming, unexpected, but none-the-less needed. We now have a good cushion in case something happens in NM (car, hospital, you never know).

 

So Cheers to the New Year and what may come!

Small seeds

So slowly I’ve been going. Ohio can be a bit of a drag with the changing of seasons, love/hate relationship. Everyday I’ve been keeping my eyes peeled for farm apprenticeships, when the right one skims by- I SNATCH that email up and try to write a comprehensive summary of Joe and I. Only one so far has replied back, but not one that stipend can support us. So far MT, CA, GA, and OR have been the most promising for agricultural opportunities.  I wish I was financially able to apprentice without a stipend, it would make this process so much easier. Hopefully they will see the passion and earnestness seeping through every word, and eventually the seeds that were sown will be reaped into a fantastic opportunity.

I keep telling myself not to put all my eggs in one basket. It’s a very hard thing to swallow. If no one comes forward interested, I’ll have to volunteer locally at some farm, which wouldn’t be terrible, but I would like to an intense learning experience.

Maybe this shows how inexperienced I am, but I kind of think it is a scam for farms to want their interns to pay to work for them. Paying for an education makes sense, but not when the farm is making money off of your own back breaking labor. Only a small percentage  of farms I found do this, mostly it’s no stipend or pretty small. Joe and I aren’t asking for much, I just have to cover my car payment (stupid decision to get a car loan).

 

My fingers are crossed.

O-HEY-O

I look at the people around me and wonder, if they feel the want I feel. A deep aching for something more. Are they content, where they sit and listen, or are they deep in their souls unfulfilled like I wish them to be. It’s more like a burning, what I feel. Need to move. Need to be there. Sometimes I wonder if I was on my medication if I would feel this way.

I need to make a plan- every day I will get closer to my dream. I called up a stranger who lives in a different state and owns a very successful farm (from what I can tell), didn’t get a hold of them, but none-the-less it was out of my comfort zone. Every couple of weeks I re-post my volunteer application for local farms in ohio. No one ever replies. I know it’s october and it is cold, but honestly, I like to plan. AND it’s volunteer work, doesn’t someone need to feed the animals in the cold? AND I’m offering to do it free. I just want the damn experience. I’ll do the dishes for goodness sakes, just give me a taste of your farm- FOR FREE.

 

Maybe the only way you swim is to jump in the deep end. All that water over your head can get kind of heavy though.

Barnheart

My muse and hero, Jenna Woginrich, has so delicately and flawlessy described a life I want to live.

As a younger self, I thought I wanted the city life of an artist. Now as I get older, my perspective is changing. Land. Animals. Nature. Love. Community.  But to map the path to get there is a challenge in itself. I just was accepted to Ohio State’s Agricultural Technical Institute (ATI), My orientation is coming up in two weeks. Overall, how wise is it to spend over $20,000, on a life where I will not be able to pay that back? Tell me I can still have this life without the headache of loans! Tell me.

I suggested to my mother of not going to school this fall. Due to lack of jobs in the college area ( I was not lying), and to recent ideas of saving all my money. Freedom.

Maybe I will go to school, but I think I’ll do on a smaller scale. Maybe not even a technical “school”, just classes.

Anyone know where to go? I’m free.

http://coldantlerfarm.blogspot.com/2010/01/barnheart.html

Jadeite

Blogging procrastination. I’ll write now, or in a few, or tomorrow…maybe never? NEVER!

One day at a time. Being a person just recently diagnosed with ADHD, sometimes I have to purposely slow myself down, take a breath, and realize what the hell is going on. What the hell is going on?

Well I never made that jam. But I did pick seven pounds of blueberries. And I never finished those shorts… They look like they didn’t work out. I have no idea what the hell happened. BLAME IT ON THE ADHD. (or not). I AM going to finish the chair I began to re-upholster. And it will be fantastic. It will be like jadeite kitchenware, timeless with modern spunk.

I’ve had a major falling into things in the past. Art School. Nanny School. Every new job. Prescriptions. All were going to save me from myself. I don’t know what has happened to me recently, but I am happy. I want to give, and live, and love, and be. Yes, I don’t finish a lot of things. And I’m very good and starting many things, but I like giving and living and loving. I love a lot. He makes me be. Settle then float. After five years I’ve learned to be. And no one else could give me that.

What I am amused by now, mostly, is the expectations of everyone is nowadays. What did you want then, and compared to now?  Wither away and here I’ve composted.  Growing in the corner of everything is my self-made self. Homemade butter, handpicked blueberries, self-taught sewing,  alone read blogs, and practiced failing art of being one.  I shouldn’t care and go on to silliness.

By the way… Agriculture is so much cooler than art school.