Seven days before we go. Do I pack things now, or the day before? What can I do now to prepare? I’ve got things in piles now, and it is not an attractive sight. I’ve been experiencing a cycle of excitement, jitteriness, and anxiousness. Fear pops up every once and again, but I think I have it somewhat under control. This is the biggest adventure of my life. One day I’m here, the next day I’ll be across the country. This will be the test for the dreamer inside me.

My car is a compact car, not the best choice for a cross-country trip. I’m trying to logically plan the packing. Not working so well.

What else do I need if I have my best friend and love next to me?

So I wait…

“so I wait for you like a lonely house

till you will see me again and live in me.

Till then my windows ache.”

 

Sometimes I feel like things are stumbling around things that should go so smooth. I feel clueless. Restless. And even though I leave in a few weeks, it has no solace. I’m scared to be alone.

 

 

Red Clay Halo

 

I adore this in its simplicity. This makes me want to pick my mandolin up right now and pick away.

Love without complexities or pride

a leaf of the tree of our love

I find it interesting, that although we have been engaged for less than a week, the amount of questions that are asked by family and friends. I am by no means annoyed, just amused by it.

What’s the wedding date?

Pick a dress out yet?

Where do you want the wedding to be?

I am having a tough time answering them obviously. Who knows where we will even be after our farming adventure? I want us to try to be more frugal and thoughtful in our lives, why not start with the wedding.  Even my ring symbolizes this.  I picked my ring out, I never wanted a ring that would be flashy, but would be symbolic of a life I want to live with him. I also firmly believe that to spend so much money on a ring or a wedding in general, just seems wasteful. The average american spends $3,500 and $4,000 on an engagement ring (so says this). THEN let’s consider the average price on a wedding day: $24,066! This doesn’t even include the price of the honeymoon! AND THIS IS ALL FOR ONE DAY. Joe and I are not even close to be able to spend that much. Nor do I have any desire to. I’m sure I could do a very frugal wedding, but do I want to? Eloping doesn’t sound too bad now does it?

Either way, I just don’t want the day to get away from us and the celebration of the commitment to each other.

XVII (I do not love you…)      Pablo Neruda

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

Dew drops on a twig

On Friday, a very special someone asked me to marry him.

And I said yes.

I have a beautiful ring on my finger, from my fiance (very strange to go from boyfriend to fiance).

There’s dirt in my soul. I think I’ll keep it there.

I would love to tell you about how the past few days have been exciting. I would love to show you pictures. But honestly I can’t tell you these things. What  I can tell you is that, taking pictures in order to put them into a blog or a social network kind of takes away from the real life moments. Perhaps thats what all technology does, kind of takes away the life aspect of things.

 

The truth is, I think my subconscious is fully aware of the mental task that is planned to take course in a month.  I’m soaking in time. I search the internet often. I’m reading the New Organic Farmer (fantastic and chock full of information that tends to overwhelm at times). I’m finding blogs. I’m exercising somewhat often.

 

These are the things I am interested in lately:

– Canning: I remember as a young girl canning with my grandmother, fresh berries picked from the garden and the churches garden. After she taught me how to make jam (which I unfortunately don’t remember) we made zucchini bread, which was perfect with our homemade jam. I miss her so much.

– Genetically modified food: One of the scariest things I see our country investing in. Not only does it deplete our soil of nutrients, but it also has shown cases to weaken the plant. With poor growing conditions, food prices will not only go up due to fuel but because of the way we have treated our soil. My generation has never had to worry about food, but with Monsanto out there, we may have to.

-Bees: I would love to take a class on beekeeping. Even if I don’t plan on having them in the next year or two, the knowledge would be priceless. Plus those noble little creatures are so interesting.

– Birds: What to go better with Bees than Birds? Our small bird feeder has been the community hub for the Birds this season and I love it. It’s fun to watch and guess (because I know little of the types) what breed of bird it is, while my dog is in my lap window hunting.

– Homesteading: We all have the idea of perfect living. Mine is to live frugally, to live off the land ( I know the stereotype, don’t remind me), to live with love with the future family I may have. To live off the land frugally is a way to be creative, thoughtful, and slow. We forget how nice slow can be. Purposeful. Meditative. Dynamic.

 

If only someday I could have acres with my cottage. Bread would be rising in the kitchen, a fire in the woodstove, chickens and goats in the barn, barefoot and pregnant (hahah the last part was a semi-joke).

 

I’m getting there I hope. One day at a time. New Mexico in a month (and one day).

 

I’m in the field, dirt under my nails. The wind is blowing across my face, my legs are aching. Clouds blow over the sky and peace sweeps over.

Pablo Neruda

And because love battles
not only in its burning agricultures
but also in the mouth of men and women,
I will finish off by taking the path away
to those who between my chest and your fragrance
want to interpose their obscure plant.

About me, nothing worse
they will tell you, my love,
than what I told you.

I lived in the prairies
before I got to know you
and I did not wait love but I was
laying in wait for and I jumped on the rose.

What more can they tell you?
I am neither good nor bad but a man,
and they will then associate the danger
of my life, which you know
and which with your passion you shared.

And good, this danger
is danger of love, of complete love
for all life,
for all lives,
and if this love brings us
the death and the prisons,
I am sure that your big eyes,
as when I kiss them,
will then close with pride,
into double pride, love,
with your pride and my pride.

But to my ears they will come before
to wear down the tour
of the sweet and hard love which binds us,
and they will say: “The one
you love,
is not a woman for you,
Why do you love her? I think
you could find one more beautiful,
more serious, more deep,
more other, you understand me, look how she’s light,
and what a head she has,
and look at how she dresses,
and etcetera and etcetera”.

And I in these lines say:
Like this I want you, love,
love, Like this I love you,
as you dress
and how your hair lifts up
and how your mouth smiles,
light as the water
of the spring upon the pure stones,
Like this I love you, beloved.

To bread I do not ask to teach me
but only not to lack during every day of life.
I don’t know anything about light, from where
it comes nor where it goes,
I only want the light to light up,
I do not ask to the night
explanations,
I wait for it and it envelops me,
And so you, bread and light
And shadow are.

You came to my life
with what you were bringing,
made
of light and bread and shadow I expected you,
and Like this I need you,
Like this I love you,
and to those who want to hear tomorrow
that which I will not tell them, let them read it here,
and let them back off today because it is early
for these arguments.

Tomorrow we will only give them
a leaf of the tree of our love, a leaf
which will fall on the earth
like if it had been made by our lips
like a kiss which falls
from our invincible heights
to show the fire and the tenderness
of a true love.

 

So beautiful.

Good Things

It’s tough keeping up with a blog. After years of writing day to day, the past couple of years I find it harder to a.) have the motivation and b.) know what to say. Every day is changing.  In March, Joe and I will be leaving for a farm internship in NM. We are so excited, nervous, and antsy. We’ve started to make plans for things to see on the way down, as well as a packing list. Food to bring, clothes to bring, what is actually important and what is just want.  I haven’t told work yet. I plan on just giving the standard two week, I don’t want to give unnecessary cause for conflict. What a great adventure!

(Jemez Hot Springs- A place I’m dying to visit)

For the farm season, Joe and I plan on trying many new things. First, we are going to try to feed ourselves mainly locally, if that proves to be impossible, organic will be the supplementary choice.  Second, there will be no TV, although we will have one laptop to share. Third, no microwaving food. Tell me that’s not slow food! I want this to be a life changing experience, I want to slooooooow down. Enjoy to cook, or just be.  I can’t wait for the hard work and learning to begin.
We’ve been counting our blessings so far. My car needed some maintenance done, which I figured would be close to a grand in fees. Brakes, transmission fluid, oil change, tire rotation, and I had a loose belt that was squealing! Overall it was $131! I have a fantastic mechanic that always surprises me. He rotated my tires for free, told me my brakes were fine, just my tires were basically bald up front. Which makes sense, perhaps my worrying about brakes was just actually sliding on ice. I need new tires. Duh.
I also have a tax refund that is coming, unexpected, but none-the-less needed. We now have a good cushion in case something happens in NM (car, hospital, you never know).

 

So Cheers to the New Year and what may come!

Ooh and we went to Maine in the fall…

Getting by

You have got to be kidding me.

 

I may be a little obsessed, but I like to plan. I just need enough to pay a small amount of bills. I wish I was 18, fresh, and know what I know now. So spare me the trade off and give me just enough to get by.

 

That’s all anyone wants anyways…enough to get by.